Posted: October 10, 2014 6:27am


Greatly impressed by Jonty’s aptitude with a football, Verity decided that her pride and joy would excel at not just one activity.. he would excel at ALL of them!

Much to poor Jonty’s chagrin, Verity selected only the most cutting edge activities- South American kickboxing, Brazilian capoeira, Mandarin lessons, computer coding, she was especially enamoured with the idea of snake charming (“all the other mums will  be TERRIFIED!”) but sadly a live cobra proved hard to find.

With a face of sheer excitement, Verity presented the schedule to her son- “but mother, I already told you I can’t do all of this!

And why is Karina from X-Factor sitting in our living room?” “Karina is here to help you with your confidence – you are brilliant at everything Jonty– you just don’t know it yet!”

A visibly uninterested Karina, who was only there in a bid to regain  her wholesome image after the tabloid-dubbed “Italian Job Scandal”,  managed to prize her eyes away from her iPad for a few seconds to give Jonty the pep talk his mother hoped would inspire him



'Here's my 'What I did over the weekend' report. However, there were a few seconds I couldn't account for.'

“Hi Johnny… I’m here to help you become… the most popular kid in school” “

But I don’t care about being popular, I don’t care about Mandarin, I don’t even like X-Factor and my name’s Jonty not Johnny! Ugh!”

With that Jonty fled the scene, to which Verity tutted – “See – confidence issues – not to worry we’ll have him winning gold medals and X-Factors in no time”.

Karina, who by now was more interested in how many Twitter followers she was losing by the day, nodded and silently wished she hadn’t got off with that pizza waiter in the first place. Or at least not in the Pizza Express kitchen.


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